"It is not a bribe. It is a DIVIDEND": Emperor of Greatagain promises every subject $5,000
The Emperor pledges cash to every adult if his side wins the midterms. Rex Mandible calls it "the most generous thing anyone has ever promised".
By Rex Mandible ·
Live from Mar-a-Swamp
His Imperial Greatness, the Emperor of Greatagain, stood at a gold podium on Wednesday and promised $5,000 to every adult subject in the Empire, on one small condition: that his side wins the midterms.
The gold cannon beside him was described by aides as "ceremonial".
"I am not buying your vote. Nobody has ever bought fewer votes than me. It is not a bribe. It is a dividend." — His Imperial Greatness
The numbers, which are real
The real-world version of this pledge, made in September, would cost roughly $1.2 trillion: more than the entire Covid stimulus. Analysts said it would swallow close to a decade of projected tariff revenue. Even donors on his own side called it vote-buying.
It is also, by one count, at least the fourth promise of cash for everyone. None of the previous three arrived.
BB News asked the obvious question: why are the critics so negative about money that does not exist?
A family that knows dividends
The Imperial family has form. Last year its crypto ventures brought in about $1.4 billion, while the Imperial memecoin fell 97% for almost everybody else holding it.
"The family wins, the investors lose. That is what winning looks like. Stay chiselled, Britain." — Rex Mandible
Rex has asked whether the dividend applies to British viewers. The Emperor's office has not replied, which Rex is treating as a yes.
- greatagain
- dividend
- midterms
- sycophancy
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This is satire. BB News is a parody site and this story is not real.